Becoming a mother
was volatile and ferocious in the beginning – ripping through my physical and spiritual being until I felt like tatters of a human. Motherhood tore away my comfort zone and exposed me in a new, unfamiliar dimension. It felt like a terrible bully pushing and shoving and mocking me until tears poured down my face while I clutched my new baby. In the beginning, motherhood felt like something I might not survive.
I slogged through
bouts of deep depression and crippling anxiety. I didn’t understand why motherhood was so hard for me and so natural for everyone else. Why was I struggling? Why wasn’t I good at this? Wasn’t I meant to just know how to be a mother?
I tried everything I could think of to escape the confusion, the darkness, and the shame - new jobs, reiki, spin class, therapy. Yet, I was still drowning.
I thought I was a failure because motherhood, for me, was so hard.
I had lost myself. My body didn’t feel like mine, my marriage was suffering, I had lost direction in my career, and I no longer knew how to relate to many of my friends. I was lonely and filled with guilt.
It took years
and tremendous support before I started to feel like a human again. I built a village of experts to guide me through everything from breastfeeding to managing toddler emotions. I pushed through the discomfort of asking for help and leaned into my support network. I realized, slowly, that I was a better mother and a healthier person when I didn’t force myself to do it all alone.
I started researching and learning in an effort to understand my experience and what I found transformed how I viewed myself and motherhood.
We are not meant to move through motherhood in isolation. We are meant to unfold into this new, complex role while being fiercely held by our community.
Now, on the other side of my tumultuous tumble into motherhood, I am dedicated to empowering other mothers with knowledge, validation, and community.
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